That's it! I did it. After months and months of thinking to myself what the hell am I doing with my life. I decided to leave my job and my house with £1200 in my pocket in December 2019 (Scared AF but now I believe that was the whole point) to face it. I had no savings, with still some debt to pay. Well nothing I have ever done in my life. Never had the guts to do it. I had a lot of fear when it comes to not having enough money, but not having a home? Jeez that's another level.
In all honesty I loved my last job for various reasons. It thought me so much about myself, about others and how random it was to get it in first place. I grew more than I ever did in any workplace. I am very very grateful. I learned a lot throughout different departments because many times I had to step up and take on different responsibilities or run those departments too.
I loved most of the people and developed great friendships that I will remember for long time. Although there was a time to move on. I had that inner feeling that I had done enough and it was time for something else. At the beginning of the year I also knew something was going to happen by the end of that year. This was back in 2019. I did go to work knowing I didn't really want to be there and I made an agreement before if this happens I need to reconsider. Few weeks I felt this way and I was like I can't do this any longer the feeling was stronger and stronger. I would be standing on reception looking out through this big window at the sky thinking ''Why am I still here? What is stopping me to leave? ,,
It was Fear. I was afraid of uncertainty, I was afraid of the unknown. Negative scenarios would play out as well. I was afraid of not having enough money. If I find a job that I like. But I agreed that I finish working here I want to be doing something I truly find more meaningful and have the flexibility I want right now. I didn't want to just anything to make money. If I did change job I wanted to know I would enjoy it.
Anyway, while the job scenario was on my mind I was also in a process of moving back to my old flat. I had some doubts going back but I didn't admitted at the beginning. I would think ,, Right now you are not happy in your job and you are also moving back to your old house, you will be making the same route every day, same room, old routine. Over and over and over''
I wasn't sure I liked the idea anymore. At the same time I met someone who became very special to me. Different but very special friendship/relationship than I ever had had with someone, so a thought of letting that go was also difficult. One morning I went to grab my favourite coffee and headed to the beach to see the sunrise. Deep in thoughts I sat down on the bench. I took deep breath and became present with the sunrise, the ocean, the air. I had the urge to listen to the end of book I like called four agreements. The chapter called The New Dream, Heaven on earth. Here I was listening to this chapter beginning with
''I WANT YOU TO FORGET EVERYTHING YOU HAVE learned in your whole life,,
An understanding that I create this dream and I can change it at anytime. I can create new one anyone can. A different perception on how I can view this world, how I can experience this reality and how I have a choice to change it too. As I am sitting there, deeply listening the whole chapter, something moved inside of me in that moment. I cried I felt a wave of gratitude and I decided to end a chapter of my life. I was ready for a new chapter. I knew I had to face my fears and if I don't do it now I never will. I sat there and let those moments to sink in. Before I got up and walked I knew I had more clarity with what I need to do and I knew I was going to walk back as a new person. Person who is no longer afraid to take the action that's needed to break through and start to create a New Dream. The inner knowing was very strong and I knew I was making the right decision even when it was scary as hell because I knew nothing about what was going to happen. I had no idea what will come my way but deep inside of me I trusted myself and I had faith. I also remembered the phrase my friend shared with me. ''What is the worst that can happen,,
The same day I wrote a notice letter to the company I worked for and the same day I messaged my landlord that I will not be moving back to my flat. All I knew I had to face my fear. So that happened. Next day I went to my favourite coffee shop and one of my friends was there. We were talking and I mentioned what I did, regards to quitting my job and leaving my house. She then said look at this place I think you might like it there they do meditations and its cheap to live there (it was community centre) almost like retreat place. She send me details but I didn't think much of it in that moment.
I bought flight ticket back home to see my family and spend Xmas there and that's pretty much all I knew I was going to do. So as it came to packing I reduced most of my stuff and left some bits at my sisters garage. I literally had a suitcase and backpack with me. Time to start fresh. I went home. All my family was questioning what I have done and like most family would they worried and thought I was kind of crazy. My cousin and I were hanging out a lot throughout xmas, he is like my brother and I love him to bits. I missed our time so much after many years living in the UK. Now it was 4 weeks together having fun like kids all over again. (my gran was going crazy at times) I really cherished that time and it would never happen if I didn't leave. Couple weeks in and I decided to checkout that place my friend talked about and got in touch with them to find out more.
I received a call and got an overview about what they do and what it looks like. I thought to myself I will give it a go. I spoke to one of the leaders and he mentioned 7 day total life change workshop. Here is me counting money I had left to see if I can even afford it. Well I could but wouldn't leave me much after. I thought about it for a day or so but I had a strong feeling I should take the course as well regardless/
The reason I decided to go ahead was because throughout the years of personal development I was mostly gaining knowledge and understanding. I have taken actions and many things changed in my life already (if I haven't done it I would never quit my job or my house in first place). Something inside of me was calling on for more action I needed to take. In that workshop was pretty much all about action and action right NOW!. To be more clear I didn't have insights about what was actually going to happen in those workshops and sessions. I just had and overview about what was going to be covered. I was ready to go deep and get rid of the stiff I did not want to carry anymore. I was ready to work through what is stopping me living my full potential. I felt I was ready to make changes. So I decided to spend pretty much my last money on that workshop and stay there for another raise awareness program (all together 4 weeks).
So well what about after that? I made an agreement that after 2 weeks there I will start to look at some ways to make money. But I will not do anything or search for anything for the first 2 weeks. I had this feeling that something was coming so I decided to trust that feeling. I will speak about what I have experienced in those 4 weeks in another blog post. So 2 weeks passed and I was having casual conversation with one girl that was also there and she mentioned work opportunity, that she does herself and few others who look for life and work balance specially if I wanted to travel around, and that's where my thoughts were. I wasn't ready to settle down to live or work. I wanted to have some experience and freedom after 11 years of working my arse off! Few days of phone calls and organising and I had work sorted. Yuppi!
Wasn't so bad after all. In fact since then my life has taken beautiful most meaningful turn! I met people I would never meet, I went to places I'd never go and had experience I would never have if I didn't take action.
What I'd like to say is that everything you do has a PURPOSE if you are aware it or not. All those years of looking within, making changes, healing the past healing myself, was the reason I was able to do such a thing because the past me self would not take this action, The times I spend alone, the times I cried, wanted to give up many times, many times I thought to myself what is the point of anything that I am trying to do, feeling depressed, sad, frustrated. Thinking what am I doing this for? It was a preparation, and as I am now looking back I see it clearly.
Reminder to you if you are working on something, you are preparing (planting the seeds) for what is there to come, if spoke to my future self back then I'd say, do not give up. Everything you are doing is exactly what you are meant to be doing. One day you will know. At times we may see that what we do might not matter but it does and will be paid of! I'd tell myself not to give up and to trust that all is well.
If you were to face one of your fears, what would it be?
If your future self came to visit you now what would they said to you? What would they be doing? What would their life be? If you made those changes in your life? If you released what no longer serve you, if you overcame that fear? What would it look like? What would it feel like? Perhaps take some time to be with this and see what arises for you. Visualisation is great for this, it helped me a lot in the past. And now I am sharing this with others.
What if we choose to see solutions rather than problems in any given moment? We always have a choice to change our views and perception.
Much love
Lilu xx
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