Here is what happened. In December 2019 I have decided to reduce my life into Suitcase & Backpack. It didn't just happened like that, now I understand that all the work I did before all that was a preparation. In 2016 I was going through a journey, well I am still at this point because we are going through journey our whole life, so let's say a New chapter. After separating with my husband, leaving pretty much everything behind and moving down to Bournemouth. It was not turning out entirely how I expected in some ways.
The city was sure calling me and it felt like home the first time I arrived. I was coming with an excitement to rock my business in what I was involved in back then, thinking how well it was going to go but after some time things changed, well I guess something in me changed and I became more involved in diving deep into the understanding of myself, the way the mind works, the body works, conditioning and discovering who I really I am and why the fuck I am even here. I have done my research, education, I did not really choose this it just happened, Somehow I started to have questions, and more questions and some more. I am sure there are many people out there who love to know how things work and why are things the way they are, well I am certainly one of them.
I questioned my whole life, my childhood, the experience I have had as a child, traumas I have experienced throughout my life. I remembered times when I used to be bullied at school, humiliated, laughed at. Few examples here that shaped my life unconsciously and the way I am as an adult. Studying life coaching enhanced the knowledge to ask the right questions (open questions), in different ways and in the right time.
I took time to go back to the past, to those memories and experiences that deeply affected parts of me. That wasn't easy, going back to the pain I felt and experienced all over again. The sadness, anger, broken heart, unwanted, alone, unloved. I cried and sometimes I didn't because I couldn't. I couldn't because I didn't want to feel it again. I felt like a victim of my circumstances. It took some time to begin to understand that. I found myself in this circle for some time.
I was challenged many times. What I began to understand was, those people who have hurt me, humiliated me, laughed at me, rejected me, bullied me, didn't care about me, had to be in my life in those moments, in other words, to play their part. I now understand that if my past experience didn't happen the way they did I would never be who I am today, I would never be willing to change anything in my life or grow the way I grown, learn what I needed to learn. I decided to stop blaming these people, I learned that those people had their own experiences, their own journey and the way they were raised & conditioned. I had lessons to learn and those people and experiences provided that. End of the day, now is up to me how I react to those moments because how I react or respond matters the most.
Even now in my adulthood, I learned to change my perception. Those people who didn't/don't like me, were nasty to me, those who were putting me down. Oh myyyyy. These people were/are actually the best teachers for me, perhaps not at time sometimes, but YES. I have learned/learning so so much and I changed a lot of myself because of that. I had the choice to give my power away or I had a choice not to give my power away. Every time I'd get triggered I understood that it was a reflection of my unhealed parts, that needed to arise until it heals and I allow it to let go. I also understood that they were projecting their own stuff that are inside of their own being and their own life, where in fact had absolutely nothing to do with me. When I implemented this into my life I was no longer the victim of my circumstances and I can choose to look at things from different perspective. ( Life is happening for me, NOT to me). All of it can work in my favour if I allow it to.
From there I also understood that I have the choice to change, I had choice, to let go of the past, to change my belief system, to let go of what is no longer serving me. I have the choice to react or to respond. I came across people who saw me for me. Who inspired me, believed in me and that meant a lot for me, they support me and reminded me not to give up, Sometimes they saw things I didn't see in myself because of those beliefs I held. For all I am extremely grateful and I understood more the importance of relationships and people to have, cherish in my life, even if it's temporary but never forgotten! A lot of beautiful moments that will stay with me for lifetime.
I took some time to acknowledge the beliefs I hold within, and to be honest with myself. I recognised the ones I wanted to change, knowing it is possible, because it is. I was ready to make changes and I knew I had the opportunity to change my life. We all do, and we are only one decision away from it. I was sick and tired of certain beliefs I held within myself and because of that I knew I wasn't living the life that was meant for me. Letting go and decluttering was not only in my mind but in my environment too, I went through, items, clothes that I didn't need or didn't use and slowly began to clear my space. Little by little each moth I'd do it, Considering I left a lot of things behind when I separated it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. After having less things and less things around me I felt better, emptier, more focused and felt good in my environment. Having less turned out having more in different ways. It was the appreciation I started to have for those things I had, and allowed myself to keep what was serving me at the time. It helped me to learn to detach.
After learning to change my beliefs and exploring the knowledge of different ways to do it I changed what was not serving me anymore. (bare in mind there is nothing wrong with me or you, the beliefs we hold are there for a reason at the time, depending on your life journey and that's ok, although there might be some outdated which we are ready to change, release, implement new ones and move on).
And that's what happened, I created new beliefs, released old ones with appreciation and that was the process to go create new chapter in my life. From there decisions and actions I took were different, many times I felt fear and that was a indicator I was about to grow, to move forward. Many times I also released that I was beginning to think differently, what once bothered me, no longer does, what I was once afraid to do now I wasn't, What would triggered me in the past doesn't trigger me anymore. (just becoming more mindful and aware).
What was very interesting is that living in my suitcase was completely new different life experience for me and what was lying ahead for me I had no idea because it was very BIG STEP INTO THE UNKNOWN!
Part 2 is on the way :)
Love
Lilu xx
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